I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
