Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
