You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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