now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
