8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
