What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
