I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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