Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
