Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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