omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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