i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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