my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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