I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
