He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize