I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
