Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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