My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
