maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
