i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
