he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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