I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
