just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Randomize
