What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
