Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
