Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
