it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
