my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
