you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
