someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
