I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
