My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
