Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
