So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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