remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
