I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
