totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
