My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
