we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
