One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
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