I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
