When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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