What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
