Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize