I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
