Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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