I have demons in me.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
