Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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