Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
