so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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