Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
