3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
