omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
