dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
