I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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