"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
