My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
