If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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