your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
