I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
